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Not A Replicant / Matt Damon's wife in my dreams / RELEASE THE DRIVE B! / | @MrsBananaPhone

"So, How Are You?"

Oh shit, is it 1 am already? Mom usually gets home around now after visiting Bibi (my grandma) and she will probably kill me if she knew I stayed up this long but hey, this essay isn't gonna write itself! Bibi seemed better tonight, she managed to whisper out "I love you" before I left for the first time in months so that must be a good sign. Will's probably tired. You know, I said I'd take the bus home but for some reason they don't trust a teenager on the bus by herself past 10 pm! The hospital's not that far though so I'm sure he doesn't mind driving us back and forth in the cold... and the dark...

I hope he got my text about the blanket, how nobody thought to look under her bed for it is beyond me. She always hated its green fabric and brown trimming and wondered why her beloved husband gifted her with such a thing but to be fair, it kept her warm and always had a hint of his cologne on it so she must've liked some aspect about it. I mentioned I'd drop it off tomorrow after scho-- Oh-- Will's calling. Should I ask for some McDonald's on their way home? It's never too late for a Big Mac...

"Hey. I'm so glad I have you as 'brother' in my contacts or else I'd have no idea who's calling me."

"... What? Oh ha, yeah. So, how are you?"

Uh oh. In the years that I've known him and the joyous experiences we've had growing up together there has never been a time when my brother ever asked so how was I.

"I'm fine, almost done my paper. Are you guys on your way? I need to coordinate my plan to be in bed at the right time so Mom doesn't scream my face off when she comes."

"Um," his voice is shaky, "So, Ghezal, I think-- I think Bibi died."

There aren't many feelings one can experience in life that compares to the feeling of immense loss. I felt my stomach slowly traveling down until it dropped to the pits of my toenails.

"... What do you mean?" I know what he means. There really isn't much translation lost when someone mentions death.

"Yeah, Mom called me as I was waiting outside for her and she uh, she told me. She said to call Dad to come by the hospital," I could hear my Father, The Foghorn, snoring in the next room, "So we probably won't be home until morning so lock the doors and if you get scared, call Shannon to stay with you." Thank God those guys lived next door.

"Okay... I'll wake him up and he'll be by in a bit," I wonder if he understands what I'm saying, what with all the snot and spit accumulation.

"Sure," I can tell he's struggling to collect his thoughts, "by the way, I got your text about the blanket. I let her know you were gonna bring it by tomorrow and she smiled... So I'll see you tomorrow."

"Thanks, bye."

Me with my Bibi, c. 2001
Me with my Bibi, c. 2001

Striving To Let The Ones That Matter Know How Much They Mean To Me

I have never cried as much as I did that night in my entire life, and I honestly had no idea a human being could hold that many tears in their body. My grandma was my best friend and we ultimately lost her in 2010 after a long, debilitating journey with breast cancer and a fall at home that actually broke her hip... The phrase "you're gonna fall and break a hip!" certainly has a deeper meaning for me than it did before :)

Emma Stone [Credit: giphy]
Emma Stone [Credit: giphy]

It's become cliche to preach the whole, "don't take what you love for granted, they may not always be there!" But I truly understood this idea when I got that phone call.

When we entered the elevator following what was our final visit, call it intuition or coincidence, I ran back to her room and let her know I loved her and she reciprocated. Experiencing that was like a shock to the system. Do I wish I had a chance to give her that blanket? I do. I wish I told her more often about how much I cared for her because I always figured there would be tomorrow. Everyone will experience loss in their lifetime, it is inevitable like taxes and new installments of the Real Housewives.

What I learned from this particular loss is that no matter how pissed I am or how dire the situation seems, if I am at odds with someone I genuinely love, I just let them know that I still love them... Even if they're being stupid.

'Mad Men' [Credit: AMC]
'Mad Men' [Credit: AMC]

I am so sorry that this became a long winded thing... If I were living in the Mean Girls universe, I would probably be best friends with the girl who doesn't even go here.

'Mean Girls' [Credit: Paramount Pictures]
'Mean Girls' [Credit: Paramount Pictures]

I'd just like to say thank you to the beauties here at who executed this Going Solo idea and if you've managed to get this far in my post, I truly appreciate it. I look forward to reading the experiences of so many other beauties here on the site!

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