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I'm a writer/film theorist. Check out my articles on Pixar, Harry Potter, Back to the Future, Die Hard, politics, and more!

I haven't done a Roasting Donald Trump since late October because I thought it was all over, Hillary would win, and we would dodge a Donald Trump presidency. But he won and as Inauguration Day is coming up, I figured "Oh, s**t. This guy is going to be our president."

"How handsome am I, right? How handsome?"
"How handsome am I, right? How handsome?"

Time for another roast.

Here We Go!

First, very quickly, yes, this is all happening right now. It's really happening. Stop pinching yourself. You won't wake up from this nightmare. And something that his supporters always tell the people always criticizing him is "Give him a chance". In fact, a few nights ago, I was told this on Twitter.

My argument with her and a bunch of other Trump supporters was extremely long. It was mayhem. I'll save that story for next time.

But there could be massive problems with giving him a chance. Because if we do, this could lead to his behavior and the things he has said to become normal. And it is not normal. He is the opposite of normal.

It is basically a lot like the picture below. There's something that's strange in that picture, and you don't know why the f**k it's there and why you find it so funny.

I mean, that third girl is wearing a jacket. Why?! Nothing else wrong. It's just the jacket that's sticking out.
I mean, that third girl is wearing a jacket. Why?! Nothing else wrong. It's just the jacket that's sticking out.

Donald Trump is a man who has mocked a reporter's disability and then claimed that he only mocked his journalism.

He is a man who has discriminated against Muslims and said that he would bomb ISIS with little regard to the civilians he could bomb as well. He has called Mexicans rapists in the past.

And if you think he was talking about the illegal immigrants, a 2012 study showed that only 52% of the undocumented immigrants here are from Mexico, and he was clearly only referring to the illegals that were coming from Mexico.

I'm writing this on Martin Luther King Jr. Day and this weekend, Trump went on Twitter and he criticized JOHN LEWIS.

I'm writing on MLK weekend, and Trump is criticizing Congressman John Lewis. This is despicable because Lewis participated in Bloody Sunday.

Not too sure, but I think that's Lewis getting his head cracked open
Not too sure, but I think that's Lewis getting his head cracked open

Trump was sued for housing discrimination in the 1970s when he didn't rent to African-Americans. It is morally wrong for Trump to attack Lewis when it is clear who is the better person.

You know, he is like a bulletproof vest. He's always giving people a hard time and no matter how much you shoot at him, nothing will break him.

You guys had better think this is f**king hilarious. It took fifteen minutes to make all of this.
You guys had better think this is f**king hilarious. It took fifteen minutes to make all of this.

And much like Kellyanne Conway, all he ever thinks about is the bulls**t that he makes love with. He has more pleasure with that than he will with any of his three wives and his daughter.

It didn't even take long for me to find that picture.

But one of the main issues with his campaign (and Hillary's too) was his scandals. He has had numerous scandals over the years, which includes the Trump Foundation.

According to this article from the Washington Post, Trump used $258,000 of his charity donations in order to settle his many lawsuits against his businesses. The money that was supposed to be used for charitable purposes ended up being used to help Trump squeeze out of several of his 3500 lawsuits.

I don't even know why he needed the money. With skin that thin, he should be able to squeeze out of anything without money.

How intelligent can you be if you can't eat Cheetos without getting the orange dust all over our f**king face? We just elected a spray tan commercial gone wrong.

According to multiple sites, Trump has also used foundation funds for portraits of himself more than just once, including portraits that he bought for $20,000.

First off, I don't know what the f**k he's doing with his face in this picture. He looks like he's sneezing in the middle of a two-second long orgasm, which he got, undoubtedly, by looking at the portrait.

So, that is one of the s**tty things you would expect from him. To flaunt his wealth by buying a portrait of yourself that's barely even accurate because it failed to depict his tiny tiny fingers that will grope any genitals it can find.

This move would have been legal if he used the portrait for a charitable purpose and one of the portraits he bought with this money went to the Champions Sports Bar & Grill, which Trump is associated with.

And frankly, I don't get why he would want his ugly-ass face in that restaurant anyway. This is part of a review from Jordan Savariego, where he spoke about the food.

"...one giant rib, with dryish meat soaked in overwhelmingly rich sweet sauce. Trump hates Merica, and he hates people who actually love real steak."

I'm presuming that after the photo was taken, he quickly threw the meat away, got a flame thrower, and set the s**t on fire.

Saying Trump hates people who actually love real steak is not new knowledge. He had a line of his own steaks, branded "Trump Steaks", which he sold at a home electronics store a few years back. And I presume it was because no one else wanted it.

So, he illegally took money from his foundation to narcissistically buy a 6-foot tall portrait of himself.

And, according to this, he used money from the foundation to buy a signed Tim Tebow helmet, probably because he wanted to have some fun with his two-inch penis while inhaling the fumes of Tebow's shampoo.

Why does Melania always look like she's trying to laugh at something not funny?
Why does Melania always look like she's trying to laugh at something not funny?

He also made millions in undeserved cash from scamming families out of their money with a bulls**t university in which he lured students in and basically cheated them out of everything they had.

And I know, I know. This sounds like Hogwarts, but trust me here.

You're taught all sorts of magic, but can't do magic in the corridors? That's so much bulls**t.
You're taught all sorts of magic, but can't do magic in the corridors? That's so much bulls**t.

Trump settled this lawsuit for $25 million, but still made a large sum from the families that he cheated.

An investigation has shown that illegal immigrants had, in part, built Trump Tower, which is one of his buildings in New York (I live near it and it sickens me whenever I see it).

Here is a list of all of Trump's scandals and it is an eye-opener. The funny thing is, the size of that scandal number seems to somehow compensate for the size of his fingers, his d**k, and the number of fingers that have been stuck up his ass.

You can tell me that Hillary has had scandals herself, with her emails, the Clinton Foundation, and Benghazi. But her scandal number does not go near Trump's number. In fact, this shows the arguments of Trump supporters pretty well.

I'll have 2-3 more politics posts coming up soon, then I'll stick to film theories. I might still post a few more politics articles after that, but as this Putin b***h is about to be president, I think we should just remain hopeful.

So, Donald Trump. I want you to prove to America what you can do by ruling this country with your nacho face and finger-free ass.

But seriously, how can someone look so much like a dope?

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