A review by Luke from Just4youstudios
“You look much older than I would have thought. I mean, you look good. Am I getting fired?”
Major released films have actually been doing pretty well recently. We’ve had some game changers for the big budget scene, and some smaller budget films have really been setting new trends for modern entertainment. But every once in a while, you get something so absolutely devoid of any enjoyment, quality, personality, or…. anything really, that you question film as a medium. And at this point in time, Geostorm is that movie. In every single aspect imaginable, this film is dreadful.
Now before we get into the technicals, let's discuss the most glaring aspect: the story. Now if there is one upside I could conceive for this travesty, its that it defiantly picked a perfect time to make a movie about natural disasters attempting to destroy the world. Though it would have helped if the somewhat relevant topic didn’t boil down to basically “space station shoots weather bullets and then weather is good again.” But even without that subject matter, this story is like a Frankenstein’s monster of '90s and early 2000s disaster films, with every archetype you could imagine and every cliched line in existence. I could not remember a single line anyone said in the whole film, and even if I did I would feel ashamed at myself for even using part of my brain to try to remember it. Most of the script either consist’s of Gerald Butler being an asshole or generic technical jargon that has no purpose except to make many unbearably boring dialogue scenes seem more important than it actually is.
Then we come to performances. Now I know Gerald Butler hasn’t been the peak of quality films recently, but even then this was embarrassing. This is the epitome of Gerald Butler playing a character that's just Gerald Butler. But he isn’t the only one to point out since pretty much every performance was about as convincing as a plank of wood trying to perform Death Of A Salesman. But considering the script, I don’t really know how any actor could have really brought anything of value to this sinking ship.
Now we come to the big one, the technical side. Now, this has the only upside with the whole film, which is that it didn’t hurt my eyes. That being said, it looks so bland that I might as well been a blank white wall. But at this point, I’m stretching for positives because it is awful in every technical aspect. The camera always seems to move around the place, not because it has any motivation, but because every scene has the most lifeless direction that an unnecessary moving camera was the only thing they could think of to make the scene more lively. The cinematography is just so bare bones that it physically hurts. The visual effects, which for a film like this are probably the top priority, are honestly insulting. There was one VFX shot that genuinely looked like a fucking Windows screensaver. Even 2012 got that right and was able to create a feeling of massive scale, while this just feels like a diet Disaster flick.
Not to be shocking or anything, but Geostorm is bad in every conceivable way. It meets the bare minimum to be considered a film. But the funny thing is, I knew it was just going to be cheesy big budget trash and I was fine with that. In fact, I was hoping it be as insane over the top like the trailer was showing. But it failed to even be fun. If you can’t even say that your movie was at least fun, you have failed 100% as a film. This is without a doubt one of the worst of year. Please don’t watch it. Not even out of curiosity.