Yesterday was my top 10 list for my favorite movies of 2016, but now it's time to take a look back at the very worst that 2016 had to offer and believe me when I say that I had a lot to choose from this year. This particular list for the 10 worst movies of 2016 is one of the most difficult top 10 lists I've ever done, and it's certainly the hardest worst list that I've had to create. Given the mediocrity of this year, this list could very well be a top 15 or even top 20 list, but I wanted to keep it at a traditional 10. Now that I've finally narrowed it down, let's talk about the 10 biggest shit stains of the year.
10. The Girl on the Train
I knew that the number 10 spot on this list would end up being a movie that bored me to death, though I had a tough choice between this movie and Ron Howard's "Inferno". I ultimately went with "The Girl on the Train" mainly because it was all the more disappointing given the premise and the cast involved. This is not only an ungodly bore of a movie, but it's also a predictable story that falls victim to every mystery cliche in the book. The director of this movie clearly thought this movie was the next "Gone Girl" and the pretentiousness behind it only made me hate it even more. Hell, this movie should be on this list simply for making Emily Blunt look bad in a few scenes. This movie's director has such an ego throughout the entire film, so it's with great pleasure that I voice my distaste with this movie by placing it on my shit list.
9. Mechanic: Resurrection
Next on the list is one of the worst movies of the Summer movie season. Jason Statham stars in a sequel that nobody asked for and spends the entire time trying to save this girl that he claims to be in love with, even though he's only spent just one night with her. Jessica Alba plays the damsel and she's terrible in the role as per usual, but even Statham looked like he didn't care. The only actor in the entire movie who looked remotely engaged was Tommy Lee Jones, but of course he ends up being the one with limited screen time. The rest of the movie is either poorly filmed, nonsensical action that isn't fun to watch or a boring "romance" between two actors who aren't giving good performances. Take your pick.
I was really hoping that 2016 would step up its game in terms of comedies. There were a few decent comedies sprinkled throughout the year, but for the most part it was a very weak year for comedic films, and we can partially blame Kate McKinnon for that. Granted, she's not in this movie as much as the other two horrible comedies that she's also in this year, but this one as a whole is easily the one I hated the most. Zach Galifianakis is an annoying presence throughout the movie and you're constantly being bombarded with low-brow, lazy jokes that could very well be written by the director's 3 year old son. I also still can't wrap my head around the decision to base this comedy off of a real life robbery with serious implications. But as this movie's tagline suggests, it was probably just an effort by the director to get stupid rich, emphasis on the stupid.
7. The 5th Wave
Oh my god...another Young Adult book-to-movie adaptation. As if "The Host" wasn't bad enough, now we have Chloe Grace Moretz's turn at starring in a dull teen drama bullshit alien invasion movie. I really can't add anything to this movie that hasn't already been said about other horrible YA apocalypse novels, but here's the basic gist of it: It's boring, the romance is forced, details about the world make no sense whatsoever, and it ruins the idea of what was once a cool concept for fiction, this time it being aliens. I really don't think Hollywood will learn its lesson with this particular franchise, but it appears to be hearing the crowd's displeasure for these types of movies given the complete and utter failure that was "Allegiant". That movie's next installment is now being demoted into a TV movie, so let's hope the same happens with sequels to "The 5th Wave".
6. The Disappointments Room
I kind of want to give this movie credit for being honest in the sense that the word "disappointment" is in the title, but is a movie disappointing even if you were expecting it to be terrible? No it's not, but it's still worth being on this list. What this movie is can only be paraphrased as this: Another generic horror film that tries and fails to be "The Babadook". This movie throws poor Kate Beckinsale in the middle of a predictable, lazy horror plot with no genuine scares, and a story that makes less sense the more you think about it. This movie tries to pass itself off as some touching story about trying to move on from the death of a family member, but it's really nothing more than Beckinsale walking around a house looking confused for 90 minutes. Oh, and Lucas Till is in this movie for whatever reason. Don't ask why, just accept it and the movie will go away.
5. Zoolander 2
Again with the shitty comedies, but this time it's a comedy sequel. Rather than write clever jokes and further the character of Derek Zoolander, this movie just takes the easy route and has Ben Stiller do nothing but make his stupid face at the camera for the whole movie while the audience gets overwhelmed with lazy jokes and pointless celebrity cameos. There's really not much else to say about this movie other than point out how it's a typically awful comedy sequel that's hell-bent on ruining everything that was good about the original.
It's time for another horror movie and this one is a demonic possession thriller. Those are good, right? Well maybe if they're directed by William Friedkin and come out in 1973, but other than that, don't bother. "Incarnate" at least tried to be unique by incorporating the element of Aaron Eckhart's character going into the subconscious of a possessed person, but even that added nothing to the movie as a whole. What we get is a cliched possession movie that doesn't know if it wants to be a horror movie or a science-fiction movie that tries to scientifically explain the concept of demons. It doesn't matter, though, because the movie is still a cheap rip-off of "The Exorcist" and it deserves to be remembered as nothing more than that.
3. Gods of Egypt
Yep, the top 3 is coming in with some real shit. "Gods of Egypt" has been describe by some people as a "so bad, it's good" type of movie, but I see it as something else entirely. I see it as "Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen" if it were set directly in ancient Egypt. You have terrible CGI monsters running amok, our main actor constantly screaming and overacting towards the camera, and zero investment in any of the poorly rendered special effects that are being thrown at you from every angle. We all know "Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen" as a notoriously bad movie, and that's exactly how we should view "Gods of Egypt". Good on those who can actually have fun watching this movie, but for me it's just one giant CGI induced headache.
2. God's Not Dead 2
I'm not religious and I generally try to live and let live when it comes to religious people that I'm close with. Most religious people I know are very nice people who actually use their beliefs to promote good, peaceful ideas and I have no objections to that whatsoever. But there comes a point where we have to be willing to call out religious lies, and that's what I tried to do with my review for "God's Not Dead 2". The entire movie is based around a fictional court case where a religious teacher is being sued for mentioning Jesus in her classroom and what we get is an extremely unbalanced, black and white portrayal of Christians and atheists. It's the same standard for any religious propaganda movie: The atheists are all bad guys, the Christians are perfect heroes, and there's no time to actually explore compelling arguments for either side. This movie just opts for platitudes and cliches, even ending with the Christians prevailing over those nasty atheists while everyone holds hands and sings a shitty song. Critics hated this movie as they should have, but I currently live if the county that gave Donald Trump the most votes of any county in this country during this past election. In other words, it looks like my far-right hometown has found it's masterpiece of a religious film.
1. Independence Day: Resurgence
Here it is, my pick for worst movie of 2016. I saw a lot of disappointing movies this Summer, but none was more disappointing than the sequel to the fun, light-hearted adventure that was "Independence Day". The first sign that this movie was in trouble was the lack of Will Smith. His charisma alone would've added something to this movie, but instead we get his character's boring son who sucks at acting, Liam Hemsworth who always sucks at acting, and Maika Monroe who's usually a decent actress, but she quickly falls victim to this movie's script. Not only are the new actors boring and useless, but the returning original cast doesn't seem to care either. Jeff Goldblum, Bill Pullman, Judd Hirsch, and Brent Spiner are just left to wander around a mess of shitty green screen effects while the new actors bore us all to death. This entire movie reeks of a cynical, lazy cash grab to a successful 90's action flick, taking any of the likable elements of that movie and replacing them with overwhelming action, dull characters, a plot that makes zero sense, and a climax that truly drags on and on to the point where you just want to leave the theater. And they even have the audacity to set up for a sequel in the most half-assed way possible, but I don't even care at this point. I'll see a third movie if it promises to return to the roots of the 1996 original, not double down on this travesty that could very well have been directed by Michael Bay.
So there you have it. That was my list for my 10 least favorite movies of the year, and now that just about sums up my recap of 2016 as a whole. Feel free to check out my list for the 10 best movies of the year as well, and read it knowing that there were still some great films this year. This looks to be my final blog of 2016, so here's hoping that 2017 can improve upon this year. Judging by how my list for the 10 most anticipated movies of 2017 looks right now, it could very well be a great year for movies. Here's to a hopefully better year than what we got with 2016.