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I don't need anyone else. I have Uroboros!

Breaking news folks: Your favorite video game boobs are made of lies. That's right, chances are if you're a bosom lover that has never had a decently-sized pair yourself, you've most likely been blinded by the ignorance of your digital desires. If this sounds confusing to you, then I think I can help.

5 Ways That You Are Being Deceived By Digital Ta-tas

[Credit: Atlus]
[Credit: Atlus]

You're probably wondering what makes me feel like I have the authority to provide some clarity on this topic. I'm a classy lady with fancy boobs and that's all you really need to know regarding my credentials. Glad we got that out of the way!

To be clear, this isn't really about how digital breasts should be. When criticizing the nature of video game chests as they are, we run the risk of making sweeping generalizations about body types in general that tend to be pretty toxic. I'm simply going to explain why are doing the world a bit of an injustice by continuing to be so damn ridiculous. Let's get started!

1. They Don't Move With Every Step We Take

I've always found the obsession with realistic jiggle physics to be hilarious. In most cases, boobs don't move at all. Honestly, no normal movement leaves them moving that much unless you're not wearing a bra. Even then, you're not going to see the crap that you look for in games without some intense movement.

Let's consider the remaster released a few years ago. Along with a major graphical facelift, the game received an update to its physics—Jill Valentine's physics, more specifically. Every movement Jill makes results in two or three noticeable shakes. I get that, for some reason, she's not wearing anything but a tank top here but even in her regular uniform, you will see the same thing happening. It's not real, guys. It's not.

2. These Outfits Just Don't Happen With Boobs This Big

I've made more effective improvised bras out of scarves. [Credit: Bandai Namco Entertainment]
I've made more effective improvised bras out of scarves. [Credit: Bandai Namco Entertainment]

You know those outfits where a character's breasts are held up by a strip of fabric or when they are just sitting there with the nips cleverly obscured? Yeah, this is one instance in which those are 1) never going to sit still and 2) keep the boob-owner from getting anything done because everything would be a real hassle.

I understand that it's easy to assume that the mere presence of fabric is enough to make the ladies stay put... but this is simply not how these things work. If your shirt (or fabric strip) is only covering your nipples (or the top of your chest in classic Kitana's case), the boobs will fall out. They will just be out. That's not a shirt, it's not a bra, it's not a top, it's not chopped liver—it's nothing.

[Credit: fashiondivadesign.com]
[Credit: fashiondivadesign.com]

There is a cup size sweet spot that really makes these fashions work in real life. There's also a lot of fashion magic that can be put into play if you really want to execute that nude look in the larger sizes. But, in games, the execution usually isn't even the issue. It's the context!

3. These Are The Worst Professions For The Biggest Boobs

What. Are. These. Bodies? [Credit: Atlus]
What. Are. These. Bodies? [Credit: Atlus]

I'm not here to tell you what people can and can't do in their careers and with their boobs. But I can tell you that these fighters, explorers, officers and sorcerers just would not look like this, and, even if they did, they wouldn't dress themselves like this because it's just f**king dumb. I actually feel stupid explaining this because I really feel like it's easy to know, but games insist on proving me wrong there.

These women would be wearing sports bras, their armor wouldn't have boob-shaped caverns in them or even the capacity to reflect nipple-hardness. Hell, I wouldn't be surprised if Lara Croft was interested in doubling up on sports bras with the way they had her built back in the day. And you know what that means, right? Bye, bye relentless jiggle.

4. Jiggly Boobs Come With A Price

Boobs can only move like this underwater or on a slow-mo slap cam. [Credit: Eidos Interactive]
Boobs can only move like this underwater or on a slow-mo slap cam. [Credit: Eidos Interactive]

It hurts to jump when you have big boobs. It also hurts to run. It hurts. People don't just wear bras for support, they wear them because excessive movement is actually somewhat painful. Intensity, duration and nature of the jiggle are all important factors.

Sure, the larger they are the more fat there is, but if you've ever spent a lot of time grabbing one of these things, you feel a lot more than fat. You'll feel some pretty hard parts too. Yanking them, getting them punched and even shaking them around is a nightmare.

So, if you're a cishet guy that whines about boobs not being jump-y enough, imagine someone yanking your family jewels each time your video game lady's boobs land. Unless you're into that, because then not even I can save you.

5. Dead Bodies Tend To Not Have Boobs

[Credit: Bethesda Softworks]
[Credit: Bethesda Softworks]

I am ashamed that I even have to write this out, , but here it is: if the body is decomposed (whether its the undead or the forever dead), the boobs will be gone too. I'm sorry to say this but, again, the boobs will be gone. They are made of tissue that will decompose just like the organs and skin.

And lizards don't have boobs either. They just don't.

[Credit: Tecmo]
[Credit: Tecmo]

It has been my pleasure to enlighten you all. If you're really interested in bringing some of this reality to your video game experience, I recommend checking out Boob Jam which was essentially an attempt to bring together the work of games and creators that are interested in bringing the tit-ular truth to your screen.

Bet you didn't think those two skin-sacks of fat could be so complicated!

Did I miss any glaring boob errors that have been plaguing the gaming scene?

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