Games are an artistic medium like any other subject. And, just like the art of the past, video games reflect a deep love of the naked body. Though this mostly applies to boobs, you can find other jiggly bits here and there as well. Probably more often than you think—trust me. This is the 21st century, after all!
The Ultimate Timeline Of Digital Dongers
Welcome to 2017 A.D. (After Dong). We have crossed the line of no return—penises are everywhere in our #VideoGames and they have been for nearly four decades. I realize that this may be shocking to some of you, which is why I've decided to shed some light on the matter with this thorough timeline of phallic representation in video games over the years.
WARNING: This list contains multiple uncensored depictions of dicktastic dickies. Obviously.
Let's start with...
Ancient Wangs: The '80s & '90s
In the age of experimentation, we saw quite a few scandalous games hit the market in an attempt dominate the home console race.
Custer's Revenge (1982)
In what can only be described as a sexual assault simulator, Custer's Revenge for the Atari 2600 features three-pixel long dicks and conical boobies for days. It's one of the first games to boast an obvious penis portrayal and it may also be one of the worst for many reasons other than the pixelated peen itself.
Beat 'Em & 'Eat Em (1982)
In the magical year of 1982, we saw another stiff contender hit the home television screen—Beat 'Em & Eat 'Em. If the name doesn't destroy you, the graphics will. Somehow I don't think I have to explain this one but I do have to wonder if those are meant to bend like that.
So, X-Man gives you the impression that it's just a normal maze game where you run around naked trying to make it to the pink. But instead of a classic reward, like a trophy or something, you get a sex scene. So it is a maze game but it's a porno maze game.
Bachelor Party (1982)
Bachelor Party is basically a Breakout rip-off in which the blocks are women and you are trying to hit them with a ball. There is also a randomly placed woman on your side that sort of propels you between the sides of the room. I'm really not sure what is going on with this one.
Comparatively speaking, Stroker may have been the only true porno game of the '80s. All of the descriptions I'm reading imply that the penis you are handling is your own... but this guy either has vitiligo or he's actually helping someone else out. Take a deep breath, come to terms with that reality and do a damn fine job.
So much can be said about Stroker but I guess I'll leave it at: Good luck and good stroking!
Weenies Of the Aughts: 2000-2009
Leisure Suit Larry: Magna Cum Laude (2004)
Though Leisure Suit Larry: Magna Cum Laude was the seventh game in the unfortunate Leisure Suit Larry series, it was the only High Voltage Software game ever released with an AO rating. Much like movies, an adult rating for a game usually spells bad news for sales and is generally avoided.
Though the game was edited to create a more marketable M-rated version, it was never quite good enough for Australia. Neither version was approved there and it was effectively banned. Reception worldwide remained pretty lukewarm—most people weren't a fan of the humor and those that were didn't quite like the gameplay. That's one unpopular penis.
I know you're probably wiggin' out right now because it looks like I've included a fat piggy penis on this list but you can relax. Piggsy is a villain from Manhunt that just prefers to keep everything loose and free.
You have the opportunity to cut him up before the game is over but, sadly, you won't have the opportunity to cut Piggsy junior off from the larger half. It's a real shame.
Grand Theft Auto IV: Lost and the Damned (2008)
In another penile cameo, we've got Thomas Stubbs from the Lost and The Damned expansion of #GrandTheftAuto. Our protagonist, Johnny stops by to talk about a mission in the middle of a massage and is surprised by Thomas's natural outfit. Come for the debriefing, stay for the dangling distractions.
Stubbs said it himself: "We've got no secrets here."
Penumbra: Black Plague (2008)
In Penumbra: Black Plague, your protagonist gets an email from a friend telling him to finish work that he couldn't finish because he's probably dead or dying. Another thing that happens in Black Plague is zombies with bloody penises. It's all fun and games until the genitalia is connected to a monster.
Speaking of monsters, science tells us that the dead don't keep their tissues but video games don't care.
The Decade Of Dongs: 2010-Present
Amnesia: The Dark Descent (2010)
Everyone, say hello to Alexander from Brennenburg. In Amnesia: The Dark Descent, he's a supernatural telepathic bad guy that's been pretending to be a baron in order to collect mystical life matter from humans and animals everywhere.
At some point in his quest to finish collecting what he needs, he decides that he's ready to be naked, and the people that designed him really wanted a penis to be involved. So it is. Noice!
Dante's Inferno (2010)
Dante's Inferno set out to prove two things: 1) Satan is real and 2) he's got the biggest dizzle in the world. Or at least all of hell.
Heavy Rain (2010)
You don't actually get to see Ethan's member in Heavy Rain by default—it requires a bit of mod work. However, it's really hard to refrain from mentioning this one when there was clearly so much effort put into designing it. If this was a ranking list, it would be in the higher end of the shortlist for sure.
Animal Crossing: New Leaf (2012)
It's nothing special but David's rather accurate appearance in Animal Crossing: New Leaf is one of Nintendo's only digital dongs. If I'm not mistaken, that was also in 3D ,which makes it the most fancy and forward-thinking pair of dingleberries in gaming.
Grand Theft Auto V (2013)
During a side mission in #GTAV, you'll have the opportunity to save a woman from two mysterious men. One of them doesn't have pants on and appears to be prepared to do something terrible but Rockstar has long since clarified that he only wanted to eat her alive. After you kill him, his family jewels can be observed—if you so choose.
Apparently a glitch allows you to see Trevor's junk as well but no one wants to see that.
Outlast: Whistleblower DLC (2013)
#Outlast's Whistleblower DLC makes one of the more impressive showings on this list. Sure, it's fun to see other people's genitalia swinging around in the creepy darkness but all we really want to do is see our own. The good people behind Outlast have facilitated this unity of self. I'm not crying, you're crying.
By the way, I'm pretty sure this guy escapes. No unfortunate bootleg gonad separation today!
In #Rust, a multiplayer survival game in the vein of DayZ, your penis size is randomly defined and locked to your player ID. It's a great big delightful sausagefest, of which you can find plenty of footage across the internet.
Developer Garry Newman repeated this decision with player skin color. The move generated backlash from the players that preferred to play with characters that had the same skin color as their own. Seems as though, for some, identifying with your character becomes less trivial when you don't have a choice and you're not used to that reality.
(Schlongs of) Skyrim (2013)
Yes, this was another mod... but it's an effective mod.
Loadout included some high quality dick physics in the form of a special pair of "bottoms" available for T-Bone. Certainly more on the tasteless side but Loadout isn't necessarily known for its insightfulness anyhow.
Mount Your Friends (2014)
Despite the aggressive name, Mount Your Friends doesn't actually feature any penetration. You're literally mounting your friends. You're climbing them. Your character just has a penis that moves around a lot. I mean, a lot—the underwear is nearly useless.
South Park: The Stick of Truth (2014)
A mouse has a penis on it in this #SouthPark game. If there's something more to say about that, I really can't think of it...
Apotheon boasts some very erect penises that are ready for battle. I mean, considering the art style, this one just makes sense. Right? Might be the most logical dick cameo on the list.
Cobra Club HD (2015)
Cobra Club is a modern sex game about the art of penis photography. It's also got an overarching criticism of the NSA and personal privacy hidden in its depths. Do you have the guts to dig in?
Who knew a dick pic could be so complex?
The Order 1886 (2015)
The peepee shoutouts in The Order 1886 were just enough of a shock to inject this generally boring and drawn-out interactive movie with some life.
I would also like to honor the very quick shot of a penis that we get when we disturb a man and his prostitute in the middle of the night at a brothel. It's funny in a way that a penis fusing to a Lycan body just isn't.
Far Cry Primal (2016)
Far Cry Primal took us back to our roots by giving everyone loincloths and equipping them with spears. No one is really wearing any underwear beneath the loincloths so you're bound to catch a glimpse of something eventually.
So, about this photo... I don't think that this player is trying to touch that penis so much as they are trying to get a closer look by hitting the aim button which is making the character's hand go up as a point of reference. Just so you know...
Genital Jousting (2016)
Genital Jousting implores us to ask ourselves where explicit depictions of anuses fit in the video game universe. We also find ourselves wondering what exactly the slippery fluid that guides these penises really is.
In this game, you won't be competing with your friends, no—you'll be satisfying them. On the couch, on the floor or wherever else you play your games. It's probably a lot of fun but I wouldn't know anything about that!
Watch Dogs 2 (2016)
While dangly thangs weren't all that you could see in Watch Dogs 2, they're there—and that's why they are here. On this list. This is a list of dicks.
Conan Exiles (2017)
Word on the street is that Conan Exiles isn't necessarily the best game around. However, I think that it deserves some credit—not only for the extensive schlong customization options—but for the jiggly pecs as well.
And finally, for a more than honorable mention—we've got the entire Shin Megami Tensei series.
There are enough dick-themed monsters in this series to make a shortlist. Trust me, I've seen them.
Believe it or not, this is pretty much every digital weenie I could find. Really! It's a lot more than you'd expect and the abundance is a little overwhelming. You can't help but wonder why it is we are beginning to see more of these thingies on our screens. Is it a good thing? Is it a bad thing? Let's think about it.
What's Up With All Of The Dicks?
It appears to be a logical evolution of the relationship between video games and sexuality. The current trend appears to be a scary one—literally. Dicks in games appear to be there for shock value or to make people laugh. At first glance that might seem a bit disappointing, but it could also be a step in the right direction.
This somewhat desexualized portrayal of penises could put us in the perfect position to start desexualizing other commonly sexualized body parts in our games. I'm talking about boobs and butts and entire human beings.
Who knows what the future holds? My guess is that it'll be a lot of balls.
Do you have a favorite digital weapon of mass distraction?