I’m from a small working class town near Newcastle-Upon-Tyne, England called ‘Wallsend’ famous for where Hadrian’s Wall, well, ends! I won’t downplay the name as the nearest city’s big achievement is there is a castle and it was once new… How long is a castle ‘new’ for anyway? I think it’s about a month, then you’re pushing it, it’s just Castle-Upon-Tyne!
I mean nobody visits the town to see the castle keep, they visit it because it’s well known as a cracking night out. I think we should rename it after the most visited places in the town, instead of Newcastle-Upon-Tyne it should be ‘Primark-Upon-Greggs‘, I digress.
The worst date I ever had was with a girl I’d met in town, whether enamoured by my attempt at the robot on the dancefloor or maybe she was blind drunk, said lady agreed to accompany me on a date to the cinema the following week.
I chose the cinema because it’s a great first date for the unimaginative. You can natter before the film, have the film to watch to avoid the awkward lack of things you have in common other than ‘Hey, I wanna be on you!’ And afterwards you have the film to discuss. Though I’d recommend not inhaling a foot long hotdog if you’re either party!
Said girl wanted to see Sherlock Holmes(2009) but my friend invited me to see it the night before, and 2 dudes can inhale (separate) foot long hotdogs without breaking eye contact and it not be weird… Probably.
I didn’t mind watching it twice, it was an alright film, I could look smart and guess the outcome if I were that prick, and I am.
Said girl, wasn’t satiated with just the cinema and so suggested food as well as the film, I’m not a fussy guy and she suggested #Nandos to which I replied ‘sure, I’ve never been there before.’ The look of utter disdain on her face said it all, it was settled, we we’re going get a cheeky Nando’s then head to the cinema, the term “cheeky Nando’s” should have been a red flag, in which I threw her down some stairs and never contacted her again but she was attractive and I'm shallow. What exactly is 'cheeky' about it anyway? The price probably, it’s chicken and chips but thrice the cost, okay, not really, I just like saying ‘thrice!’ Someone wrote on Facebook the other day “Me and the gang are off the Nando’s” and I thought ‘aww, you and the gang are deleted!” You can’t call yourself a gang unless you’re in the mafia or you’re Scooby Doo!
So on the evening of our date, I had on my best shirt, buttoned all the way to the top, looking like a Top Man mannequin, all I needed was some Lynx body spray and a box of Smints and I could win the award for Britain’s Most Average Lad!
Colour me unimpressed but Nando’s is a bit overrated, isn’t it? It’s just sitty-down KFC, they’ve just printed some menus off and peeled off the skin on the chicken. I’d never been before so I was surprised when our ‘waiter’ a 14 year old on a ‘bring your child to work’ day sat us down then pointed to the fucking till… ‘You order there, cheers, bye!’
I didn’t know what to order so I thought I’d play it cool and get what said girl was having.
“You like chicken, I LIKE CHICKEN! We have so much in common, can I see you naked now?!”
Problem being that said girl ordered the spiciest chicken known to man, and I’m terrible with spicy food. But this was something else, it was chicken but glazed with the fires of hell but like I said I’m from Wallsend, if I pay a tenner for chicken, you best believe I’m going to eat it!
So there I am eating this lava-chicken and my face starts sweating profusely, it’s like my skin is crying. It’s at this moment my friend tagged me on Facebook to let me know he loved Sherlock last night and that we should catch up again soon! Said girl became furious and not just because she was seeing my sweaty sex face pre-coitus, needless to say she left… It wasn’t all bad though, I’d already paid for the food, so I went and enjoyed Sherlock again with a foot long; the Watson to my Holmes!