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He's a mean motherfuck*r!

The following takes place after How I Met Your Mother’s Season 3 episode, “The Goat”, and The Big Bang Theory’s Season 1 episode, “The Nerdvana Annihilation”.

Respite of the Nerds

by Nathan Steel

EXT. NEW YORK

TED (V.O.)

Kids, during the spring of 2008, Barney and I had stopped being friends.

INT. LIMO

TED

Maybe you’d like to nail her too!

TED (V.O.)

And soon enough. The rest of the gang followed.

INT. MACLAREN’S

BARNEY, and ROBIN are sitting on one side of the booth with MARSHALL and LILY sitting on the other.

BARNEY

I know Ted is no longer friends with me. But you guys don’t have to feel pressured to take sides. Please do what you want.

MARSHALL

Yeah. I’m with Ted.

LILY

Marshall’s right. That was a major betrayal of Ted’s trust.

BARNEY

Well I don’t need you two. I’ve got Robin.

ROBIN

I shouldn’t even be part of this conversation.

BARNEY

You know what? I don’t need any of you. I can make new friends. And a new bro!

BARNEY gets out of his seat.

MARSHALL

You forgot your scotch.

BARNEY

Thanks bro.

BARNEY takes his glass and heads to the bar.

HOWARD

Hey good lookin’. Do you like magic?

The woman HOWARD is talking to scoffs at him and walks away.

HOWARD

Why don’t any chicks like magic?

BARNEY

The chicks love magic. You’re just not...hot enough!

Flames burst from BARNEY’S hands.

CARL

Barney. No flames in the bar. Next time. I’m kicking you out!

BARNEY

I set someone’s hair on fire once and now I’m a “danger to the health and wellbeing of customers”.

HOWARD

I understand. I once made my mother’s watch disappear and then I couldn’t find it. Maybe the watch’s disappearance had some resemblance to how my father abandoned us.

BARNEY

I think I’m in my love. My dad left me too! Barney Stinson.

HOWARD

Howard Wolowitz.

BARNEY

Howard. Tonight is going to be legen – wait for it -

*INTRO plays*

INT. MACLAREN’S

BARNEY

-dary! Legendary!

LEONARD, SHELDON, RAJ, and PENNY enter Maclaren’s.

HOWARD

What are you guys doing here?

LEONARD

Sheldon got us kicked out of the hotel. He wouldn’t stop changing the lobby’s thermostat.

SHELDON

I’m sorry but in what world is seventy-seven degrees “balmy”?

HOWARD

Sheldon. Raj. Leonard. Penny. This is Barney Stinson. We seem to have a lot in common.

LEONARD

Oh wow. He lives with his mother too?

HOWARD

No. My mother lives with me.

BARNEY

Nice to meet you. New friends. Come. We’ll take the booth next to my ex-friends.

They take the booth next to MARSHALL, LILY, and ROBIN. TED enters and takes a seat next to ROBIN.

MARSHALL

Hey. How was your date with Stella?

TED

Pretty great actually.

BARNEY

Hey Ted.

TED

We went to the park.

BARNEY

Hey Ted.

MARSHALL

How cute? Did you two feed ducks?

BARNEY

Hey Ted.

TED

*pfft* No...they were pigeons.

BARNEY

Hey Ted.

TED

What. Barney?

BARNEY

This is my new wingman. Howard. Howard. This is my ex-wingman Ted.

HOWARD

Hi.

TED

Cool. Hey Marshall. My copy of Star Wars – The Original Trilogy in HD finally arrived. Marathon?

MARSHALL

I’ll put on the mini pizzas.

LEONARD

I’m sorry. What’s this about a Star Wars marathon?

TED

You like Star Wars?

SHELDON

Like it? I sleep in Star Wars themed bed sheets every night.

TED

Well my apartment’s just upstairs. You’re welcome to come.

SHELDON

Leonard. You want to stay in a bar and hang out with Howard’s doppleganger. Or watch a marathon of Star Wars?

LEONARD

You know the answer. How about you guys?

HOWARD

I think Barney and I are going to hang back here. Get into the pants of some gals.

PENNY

While I’d love to miss out on what Howard plans to do. I’m going to pass on the Star Wars marathon. Again.

RAJ whispers into HOWARD’s ears.

HOWARD

Raj says he’d just like to silently in a bar while watching me make out with girls.

LEONARD

That’s too bad. Alright. Let’s go.

LEONARD, SHELDON, TED, and MARSHALL leave seats and head towards the door.

TED

I’m Ted by the way. This is Marshall.

LEONARD

Leonard. This is Sheldon. The C–3PO to my R2-D2.

SHELDON

For the last time. I do not resemble C-3PO. And I do not see how you’re R2-D2. Sure you’re lacking in height. And we often squabble. Huh. I guess you are R2-D2.

BARNEY

So. What game should we play first? I’m thinking the classic “have you met Howard”?

HOWARD

Sounds good to me.

HOWARD and BARNEY head to the bar.

PENNY

Come on Raj. Let’s talk to some people who aren’t total losers. No offense.

RAJ and PENNY join the adjacent booth.

PENNY

Hi. Sorry to hear your friends with Barney. Who would sleep with that guy anyway?

ROBIN

Well. I think anyone emotionally vulnerable enough would definitely...not do that.

LILY

What Robin meant to say was that it’s nice to meet you. I’m Lily. Can your friend not talk?

PENNY

Raj can. Just not around women. Unless he’s drunk.

ROBIN

Looks like I’m buying us a round so I can forget my many...many mistakes.

ROBIN heads to the bar.

PENNY

Lily. What do you do for a living?

LILY

I’m a kindergarten teacher. But I’m trying to become a painter.

PENNY

Oh cool! I’m going to become an actress. At the moment I’m a waitress at a cheesecake factory.

ROBIN returns with four beers.

ROBIN

Hey look. We’re bonding. And not talking about my sex life. Because that has no relevance to what the two gentlemen at the bar are doing.

LILY

Be cool. Robin.

RAJ takes a chug of his bottle.

RAJ

I’d love to hear more about your sex life. Robin. (pause) And that’s my cue to leave.

RAJ leaves his seat and stands next to the bathroom door.

ROBIN

Well. I’m going to the shooting range...to work some stuff out.

PENNY

Count me in! Back when I was a kid in Nebraska. My dad would show me how to shoot tin cans of the backyard fence...until my first training bra.

ROBIN

A gun nut father who only wanted a son? That was totally my dad!

ROBIN and PENNY leave the bar.

LILY

Great. I’m the only one without a pair.

LILY turns around to see RAJ still standing beside the bathroom door. Awkwardly waving to passers by.

LILY

Oh right. That guy.

INT. APARTMENT HALLWAY

TED, MARSHALL, LEONARD and SHELDON are walking towards TED’s apartment.

TED

So what brings you to New York?

LEONARD

A couple of days ago. I accidentally bought a life sized replica “Time Machine” Time Machine on the Internet. I managed to find a buyer out here and we’re handing it over in person.

MARSHALL

How do you accidentally buy a time machine?

SHELDON

Leonard was under the impression that it was not life sized.

TED

Where’s the time machine now?

LEONARD

We left it in front of Maclaren’s.

MARSHALL

You can’t just leave something out there. That’s the Triangle.

LEONARD

The what?

TED

The Bermuda Triangle. Once something’s put out there. It vanishes. Never seen again.

LEONARD

Trust me. That time machine isn’t going anywhere.

TED (V.O.)

And kids. That time machine was never touched.

SHELDON

Frankly I don’t see what’s wrong with it. Apparently Penny doesn’t date men with time machines.

TED puts his key into the door.

TED

So you and Penny?

TED opens the door.

SHELDON

*snort* Leonard wishes.

LEONARD

You know what...shut up!

INT. TED’S APARTMENT

MARSHALL, LEONARD, and SHELDON take a seat on the couch while TED is puts in a DVD into the player.

TED

Alright. Episode IV – A New Hope.

SHELDON

Hang on a minute. What happened to the first three episodes?

MARSHALL

The prequels suck. We just skip them.

SHELDON

Of course they suck. But George Lucas had us sign a binding covenant after finishing Revenge of the Sith that if we are to have a Star Wars marathon, we must watch all six episodes in order. If we break this covenant. Then we descend into inescapable anarchy.

TED

I only have the original trilogy here.

SHELDON

Not to worry. I keep a copy of every Star Wars film on my harddrive in my hand bag.

LEONARD

Don’t ask.

MARSHALL

Why do you carry every Star Wars film around?

LEONARD

They never listen.

SHELDON

There’s a 72% chance that the places I’m travelling to have a device that can transfer the data on my harddrive to a display, often a television set. And I really like those odds.

LEONARD

You can imagine the way his eyes light up when he sees the TV in the kids section of a restaurant.

TED

Well I’m still not watching the prequels.

SHELDON

Come on. If we start now. We can finish by nine tomorrow morning.

MARSHALL

Are you crazy?

SHELDON

I’m not crazy. My mother had me tested.

MARSHALL grabs a sword from the wall. TED does the same.

MARSHALL

Sheldon. Don’t make us do this.

SHELDON takes out a toy lightsaber from his handbag.

SHELDON

You strike me down. I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine.

*“Duel of Fates” begins playing*

INT. MACLAREN’S

RAJ and LILY are sitting in the booth while BARNEY and HOWARD are still at the bar.

LILY

So Raj. How do you know your friends?

RAJ

We all work at Caltech University in Pasadena. Expect for Penny. Who lives down the hall from Leonard and Sheldon.

LILY

What do you do at Caltech?

RAJ

I’m an Astrophysicist. Howard doesn’t have a PhD. That’s always funny. How about you?

LILY

Actually I met Ted and Marshall at Wesleyans. They were roommates. Then Barney met Ted at the urinal here. And Ted tried to pick up Robin after she moved from Canada.

RAJ

Nice to know you have one foreigner in your group.

BARNEY sits down next to them.

BARNEY

Howard has absolutely no game. You won’t believe what he did!

*FLASHBACK transition*

BARNEY

Have you met Howard?

WOMAN #1

Hey Howard. What do you do for a living?

HOWARD

I’m currently designing a waste disposal system for the International Space Station.

WOMAN #1

Ugh. Gross.

*FLASHFORWARD transition*

BARNEY

When you’re a space plumber. You make up your occupation. Everyone knows that! How could someone I have so much in common with make such a terrible wingman?

RAJ

I’m not surprised. When he first met Penny. He tried to pick her up with his World of Warcraft account.

LILY

Well at least he’s authentic. I don’t think Barney’s been honest to a single girl he’s slept with.

BARNEY

Well at least I don’t play World of Warcraft!

LILY

You have a lifesized stormtrooper suit in your apartment.

RAJ

Oh. Can I see it?

BARNEY

Ranjit. I’m going to teach you how to live.

RAJ

It’s Raj.

BARNEY

Raj. I’m going to teach you how to live.

INT. SHOOTING RANGE

ROBIN and PENNY are shooting in two adjacent booths.

TED (V.O.)

Our groups weren’t exactly getting along. This was especially the case for Robin and Penny.

PENNY

This is awesome!

ROBIN

I know right!

TED (V.O.)

Actually. Those two seemed to hit it off really well.

ROBIN

So what brings you to New York?

PENNY

The guys are selling this stupid movie prop. I thought I might audition for some broadway shows. I'm aspiring to become a famous movie star.

ROBIN

That's funny. I’m aspiring to become a National News reporter.

PENNY

Wow. Who knew someone from Nebraska could have so much in common with a Canadian?

TED (V.O)

While Robin would later achieve her dream. Penny just became a Pharmaceuticals rep.

INT. TED’S APARTMENT

TED and MARSHALL are sparring SHELDON.

TED

Sheldon. I’ll have you know I have watched the Princess Bride sixty-seven times.

SHELDON

Well I’ve watched every episode of Oshikuru: Demon Samurai.

TED & MARSHALL

What?

TED (V.O)

Oshikuru: Demon Samurai is an anime about a samurai who also happens to be a demon. It’s theme was written by Charlie Harper. A man who would later spend four years in a dungeon. Imprisoned by his wife on their honeymoon. Not even Barney could make a woman hate him that much.

HOWARD enters.

LEONARD

I thought you were out with Barney.

HOWARD

Star Wars sounded like more fun. Lily told me where you were. Ooh. We’re starting with Episode IV.

LEONARD

Sheldon hasn’t given up on The Phantom Menace just yet. You’ll have to wait for it.

HOWARD bursts into tears.

HOWARD

Wait for it!

HOWARD runs into the bathroom.

SHELDON

Ted. A guest is upset.

TED

And?

SHELDON

Have you offered him a hot beverage?

TED

What?

LEONARD

Don’t bother. Sometimes it pays to go along with the crazy.

TED

Fine.

TED walks to the bathroom door.

TED

Howard...did you want a hot beverage?

HOWARD

No!

MARSHALL

Ted. I’m upset about the prequels thing. Could you fetch me a coffee? Two sugars.

INT. MACLAREN’S

BARNEY and RAJ are by the bar.

BARNEY

Here’s our story. You’re my foreign exchange student at college. And you need a nice set of...women who can show you around.

RAJ

That’s racist.

BARNEY

I’m not racist. I bang plenty of chicks from around the world. You want to see my map?

RAJ

Whatever. Let’s just get this over with.

BARNEY taps the shoulder of WOMAN#2.

BARNEY

Hi. My foreign exchange student would love a tour around New York City. But I’m running late to a volunteer job at the soup kitchen. Could you help him out?

WOMAN #2

Sure.

BARNEY

I guess I can stay around for a few minutes. Let me buy you a drink.

BARNEY walks up to CARL.

WOMAN #2

So where are you from?

RAJ

Okay. I’m not really a foreign exchange student. Do you mind taking that guy back to your place? Then tying him naked to your bed and taking all of his stuff?

WOMAN #2

But he volunteers at a soup kitchen.

RAJ

He made that up too.

WOMAN #2

Alright. Deal.

LILY picks up her phone. Splitscreen of LILY and MARSHALL.

MARSHALL

Hey baby. You okay down there?

LILY

Totally. Just about to watch Barney have the worst night of his life. What are you up to?

MARSHALL

Having a sword fight with Sheldon.

LILY

He wants you to watch the prequels. Doesn’t he?

MARSHALL

I’ll kill him!

LILY hangs up.

INT. TED’S APARTMENT

SHELDON and MARSHALL are still sparring. TED and LEONARD are on the couch.

SHELDON

Your overconfidence is your weakness.

MARSHALL

Your faith in the prequels is yours!

TED

I’ve got an idea.

TED gets up.

TED

Okay Sheldon. We’ll watch the prequels on one condition. We also have to watch the Star Wars Holiday Special.

SHELDON and MARSHALL stop sparring.

SHELDON

Don’t be ridiculous. The Holiday Special isn’t canon.

TED

Are you kidding? It features the first appearance of Boba Fett as well as establishing the holiday “Wookie Life Day” in the Star Wars canon.

SHELDON

We can’t watch the Holiday Special.

TED

Why not?

SHELDON

Because...because...fine. We’ll skip the prequels.

TED & MARSHALL & LEONARD

Yay!

They return to the couch. TED hits play.

LEONARD

You know. We could always use an extra hand carrying around that time machine. Pizza’s on us.

TED

Why not?

INT. BUYER’S APARTMENT

TED and MARSHALL are pushing the time machine up a flight of stairs with LEONARD and SHELDON pulling it.

TED

Why?!

MARSHALL

This is more difficult than pushing the Fiero.

LEONARD

Where the hell are Wolowitz and Koothrapali?

SHELDON

Howard’s yet to come out of Ted’s bathroom while I hear that Koothrapali “got some” last night.

LEONARD

Huh. Good on him.

They get the time machine up the stairs and knock on the apartment door. JOEY opens it.

LEONARD

Are you the buyer for the “Time Machine” time machine?

JOEY

Great. It’s here! Let me just get the cash.

JOEY re-enters the apartment and returns with several bills.

MARSHALL

Woah. Where’d you get all that money?

JOEY

Borrowed it from Chandler.

TED

You need help getting it into your apartment? Getting it up those stairs was the challenge of a lifetime.

JOEY

Did you pivot?

SHELDON

I told you.

INT. WOMAN #2’S APARTMENT

BARNEY is tied to a bed with WOMAN #2 picking up all of his stuff.

BARNEY

So you’re just going to leave me here?

WOMAN #2 passes BARNEY a pocket knife.

WOMAN #2

You can always cut your way out.

BARNEY

But this is my tie.

WOMAN #2

I know. Isn’t it great?

WOMAN #2 leaves the apartment. BARNEY begins cutting through the tieand screams in pain.

*CREDITS roll*

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