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Unabashed Transformers fan. Man crush on Tom Hardy. Avid fan of Tommy Wiseau's cult disasterpiece The Room.

Luc Besson’s 2014 film divided audiences right down the middle, but even for those who loved it, including me, they will probably share a joint criticism with the haters that the film had quite a hefty amount of stock footage scattered throughout, stock footage that hammered home the message the film was trying to get across. If you thought the nearly five minutes of stock footage in Lucy was enough, then check out Neil Breen’s mystery I Am Here…Now, a film that tries to tell a story but any semblance of story, character and sense is quickly washed away by a wave of stock footage that makes up over 50% of the film, as well as moments where the stock footage is repeated. I don’t think anybody actually edited this film.

"Look after our planet."
"Look after our planet."

If you didn’t spot my article that introduces non-converts to up and coming cult filmmaker Neil Breen, all you need to know is that this guy makes the helmer of cult disasterpiece look like . Breen seems like the type of guy, a nice guy, though, that has probably watched a few films a year across his lifetime, retired from his old job and decided to become a filmmaker, and the very little details he’s taken from his film viewing experiences are what he believes constitutes a competent, great film. The director/producer/writer/actor has expressed in interviews he strives for professionalism on his sets, which is something to admire, but you wonder how such professionalism and dedication to his craft produces a final product that looks like this.

I Am Here…Now has elements of the bad it’s great factor, but when compared to his masterclass of utter lunacy , I Am Here…Now is a little harder to sit through. This is mainly down to the sheer amount of stock footage that Breen has clearly purchased, and in doing so wants to get his money's worth, so he reuses the same shots multiple times, or sometimes puts them in reverse in an attempt to disguise the repetition, but we spotted that Neil, nice try man. Breen clearly has a lot to say about the environment, the government and generally the whole state of the world and its powers, so he uses his films as a way to express his thoughts, and his stance and views on environmental protection and corruption within politics are on display at every turn, mostly through his repetitive narration about the world and the elongated stock footage sequences.

The corrupt will pay for their sins.
The corrupt will pay for their sins.

This film also doesn't have enough of Neil Breen, the man who single-handedly made Fateful Findings so watchable in a laughable way, he shows up now and again here to spout out environmental ambitions, and state "I am disappointed in your species", as repeated dozens of times by his character "The Being", another messianic type presence, something Neil sees himself as, considering he plays a man with extraordinary powers in each of his features. Shame that the man behind his own creation is shoved aside by stock footage and the some of longest, most empty shots and prolonged takes ever to hit film.

When I Am Here...Now focuses on its incomprehensible narrative, characters, their dialogue and situations, that's when the laughs start flowing. Me and my friend who watched this found ourselves in awe, particularly when Breen attempts to weave symbolism into the story involving baby heads, skulls, spiders, magic balls and the power of healing. I think the baby heads are meant to symbolise the six bad men who are crucified, and the lone baby head is meant to symbolise the young girl who managed to be set free from these bad men. My interpretation of this film goes beyond anything that Breen has clearly thought of, as the film wanders spectacularly.

What do you think it means?
What do you think it means?

The performances are well and truly horrendous, but that's where the comedy gold comes from. The actor and actress, whose names aren't even worth mentioning, who play the man and woman sat in the car in the desert with the guns and drugs look and sound like they've walked off of an adult film set and straight into this movie, both with the talent and range of a split condom. The two young girls who play the main characters awkwardly shout their dialogue, with zero expression or personality, but then again, with dialogue so stilted and wooden, and editing so non-existent, these two actresses probably come across way worse than they actually are.

All other performances range from incredibly hammy, downright pervy and other times just out of sync with the rest of the movie...Mind you, the whole movie feels like a conglomeration of random parts assembled across multiple shoots captured by Breen and crew, and somehow the footage has been cut by editing software that may be the exported child of a Windows Movie Maker project.

"I'm disappointed in your species."
"I'm disappointed in your species."

From a three minute awkward striptease sequence to a most uncomfortable to watch moment in which Breen's The Being shape shifts into a monkey-like man as he lays on top of a young girl, caressing and stroking her face with the most fake-looking mask in movie history, you won't know what will come next as every minute passes in this bewildering, strange yet weirdly magnetic disasterpiece that suffers from too much stock footage filler, but somehow keeps you glued due to its utter ineptitude in almost every department. Listen out for the repeated death screams of an amputated man!

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