I love randomness, horror movies and awards. So, naturally I decided to put together a collection of random awards that honor horror movies. We live in a day and age where horror movies don't win major accolades and that isn't cool. I long for the glory days of the 1970s when movies like Jaws, Rosemary's Baby, Alien and The Exorcist where considered for major awards. That is why these awards will have to do until we enter another renaissance.
In honor of the horror movies of 2016 here are my random awards!
1. Best Breathing in a Movie About Not Breathing Award
The breathing in Don’t Breathe is pretty great. I really believed the actors didn’t want to breathe, but had to breathe (because you have to). Their kinda breathing was excellent, and I applaud them for their attempts at not breathing and failing at it.
2. Best Cannibalism Award
Are you a model? Is there a model who is better than you? Don’t eat them. The Neon Demon is a weird movie.
3. Best Sock Featured in a Horror Film Award
Lights Out is a nice little horror film. I really like the “relationship sock” moment because it felt real and created likable characters who don’t end up as horror fodder.
4. Best Painting of an Evil Nun Award
Have you ever dreamt of an evil nun, then woke up and painted a perfect portrayal of that evil nun? Patrick Wilson did in The Conjuring 2.
5. Best Snappy Named Seagull Award
Steven Seagull steals the show in The Shallows and I love that he/she didn’t meet a Deep Blue Sea fate. The Shallows is a really fun movie.
6. Best Usage of an Escalator Award
Imagine trying to run up a downward escalator while fast zombies are chasing you. That would be terrifying. Train to Busan is one of the best horror films of the 2016 (The Wailing is the best).
7. Best Usage of Baby Goo Award
Here is the setup. A witch steals a baby and smooshes it into a gross glob of baby goo. Then, she smears it on a broomstick and flies away. It is very gross and memorable. The Witch is messed up and now I know why the character below has covered her eyes.
8. I Hate That You Wasted Scotch. However, You Get a Free Pass on This One Award
I love 10 Cloverfield Lane. However, I hate that Scotch was wasted. I understand why it was wasted, but it should never have come to that. What did the Scotch do to deserve such a fate?
9. When a Crazy Premise Makes a Mediocre Movie Slightly Better Than Mediocre Award
The Boy is a weird movie. It isn’t good, but the whole evil doll premise is kinda awesome. I love that the “babysitter” doesn’t follow a single rule as well. She basically ignores everything and suffers harassment via doll.
10. Best Walking Around Award
Natalie Dormer does a lot of walking in The Forest. The movie is not good, but I bet she clocked in some solid trail miles. If you want check out this really fun podcast about The Forest.