After reading Looking for Alaska, I realized that John Green had put me in the same state that Miles had put himself in. Miles was in love with a girl who was dead. And I was in love with a girl who was dead but also who had never really existed anyway. Or had she?
It is morosely beautiful how deeply, intensely and truly, madly you can fall in love with a character whose existence is limited to a bunch of papers. And after you finish reading the book, you find yourself in the same situation as if you had fallen for a girl at school. And you are scared to tell her how you feel and you don't know if you even should express it. That girl from school could say no but she could also say yes and you might have a future. But that girl in the book does not exist. You cannot say to her a single word, even if you found the courage to. And by extension, she would never say yes. There is no future. She never was real.
She was a thought, first in the mind of the author, who was vaguely translated to words, after which she was altered and dressed up by an editor in a hardback with a dust cover. Then she traveled hundreds of miles to get to a bookstore where you picked her up. You could have picked up one from a million others, but you were designated by fate to bring 'her' home. And then you read her and she finally made her way into your brain and then your heart. She took back the form of an idea mangled by your own thought and started pulling the strings of your heart from inside.
Her existence is hauntingly beautiful as she has no fixed face. Her appearance changes with your mood, emotions and time. You can't shake her off and like a bad breakup you can't get over her. She stays there, defining your relationships and life. You never get closure.
So, since you can't get rid of her, you embrace her. You read the book over and over again till you know each word by heart. You can recite the book word-to-word at a stretch. You smile when she laughs or smirks, you are enraged when she is hurt and you curl up into a ball, crying when she flicks her hair and realizes she loves you too. No. Not you. But you miss her even more because of it. She will never love you. And just like she doesn't exist in your physical world, you will never exist in hers. You were destined to be almost together. Only separated by the boundary of her existence. Or yours.
And she will forever haunt you, day and night. She will laugh with you too. And she will be furious when you finally meet someone like her. She will feel replaced as subconsciously, that is what you are doing. And gradually she will fade into a still mist that will cover your mind but you will never be able to place her. And you will be happy with her replacement till you realize that she can never be replaced. You will accept that and commit to the fog in your heart while you go to your mistress everyday and stay happy in her arms.
For as they say, people can be killed, ideas cannot………