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"You have to be what you are. Whatever you are, you gotta be it." -Johnny Cash. Tweet a tweeter at my twitty twitter, @tw1tterintw1t

Thanks to and , 2016 was not a good year for great video game movies. Last year doesn't have to get singled out, though. Jake Gyllenhaal couldn't help the plague that Prince of Persia: The Sands of Time was for 2010. Street Fighter: The Legend of Chun-Li stained 2009 (sorry, Kristen Kreuk). One of Uwe Boll's three big stinkers, House of the Dead, killed 2007 (of course, that's kind of what Uwe Boll does). They're all part of a club that was founded by Super Mario Bros in 1993 and Double Dragon in 1994.

One whose movie has been in production limbo for what seems like centuries is Castlevania (and that whole supposed miniseries from Adi Shankar that also has yet to materialize). The drama started in 2005, and numerous production companies and directors, and one writer's strike later, we still haven't been able to see Simon Belmont come to the silver screen.

Castlevania 2: Simon's Quest was THE video game in my Entertainment System for most of the tail end of the '80s, so finally seeing this movie produced would make pre-teen me giddy as hell. But just having it arrive in theaters would never be enough; seeing it ranked among the best of the best of video game movies would absolutely rock. What would it take to make that happen?

Vampires! But Vampires Done The Right Way.

Credit: Summit
Credit: Summit

When you think of all the movies about , what's one thing that comes to mind? No, not sparkles. It's been done. A whole freaking lot. The Simon Belmont story, in a nutshell, is everything we've seen before in vampire movies, but put together it's kind of amazing:

  • One family vs. Dracula - for centuries

Simon Belmont of the clan Belmont is just one in a long line of descendants that have sworn to defeat Dracula every 100 years, when he is resurrected.

  • Whip it good
'Raiders of the Lost Ark' [Credit: Lucasfilm]
'Raiders of the Lost Ark' [Credit: Lucasfilm]

A movie where the hero whips the snot out of the bad guys? popularized it, but seeing the Morning Star whip and Flame Whip would be awesome, though.

  • Are you afraid of the dark?
Credit: BestAnimations.com
Credit: BestAnimations.com

In the games, the dark means so much more than in normal vampire movies. Once the sun goes down, the monsters come out. The whole afraid of the dark thing in vampire movies is usually a given, but Simon battling zombies, witches, and jumping blobs would most certainly bring a lot of fans of the video games to theaters.

  • Dracula's origin story
'Dracula Untold' [Credit: Universal]
'Dracula Untold' [Credit: Universal]

How many times can this guy's origin story get told, exactly? Dracula Untold did it most recently in 2014, but his backstory has been told and retold many times. The script written by Paul W.S. Anderson (of fame) for Castlevania: The Movie involved yet another Dracula origin story, this time intertwining the Belmonts and their history.

  • Brothers bitten by werewolves

But, along with an origin story, it also involved bro-wolves. Like Velkan Velarious in 2004's Van Helsing, Christofor Belmont (Simon's brother) was supposed to get bitten by a werewolf.

The Little Things

Any fan of the Castlevania video game knows two things: the music is unforgettable, and there are all sorts of little inside jokes that come with the game. And any producer who happens to make a Castlevania movie would do good to incorporate at least a few of these:

  • Drunken villagers

In Castlevania 2, as a result of poor Japanese to English translation, some of the villagers in the game made absolutely no damn sense (not that its dialogue has been great at the best of times). They seemed like they were giving you clues, but it was just gibberish. Just imagine the look on Simon's face in a live-action movie if a villager were to walk up and explain how Simon can get himself a silk bag from the graveyard duck. If can break the 4th wall, so can Simon.

  • The classic music

Oh man, the music. That theme song better get played to death in that movie, or there will be riots. And if there aren't any riots, that means it's too late in the evening and all the fans are in bed, because we're flippin' old.

  • Hit Deborah Cliff with your head to make a hole

To me, this is right on par with “All your base are belong to us.” This is one clue that you get in the game, but thanks to poor translation, you have no idea what to do with it. At some point in the game, you have to kneel in front of a cliff and wait for a tornado to take you through to the other side, where you continue your quest.

This Article Has Consummated

Those are what I think a Castlevania movie needs to please fans of the franchise and turn out a solid video game movie adaptation - for once.

Besides, you know I couldn't resist going out on a Castlevania joke.

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