I wrote a piece on how if you love someone set them free. I didn't write about how much it hurt. I think #jamesarthur sings it better than I can write it.
I was preparing myself for him to never come back. So when he told me that he wanted to be with me beyond everything and more than anything it took me a moment to believe him. But I wanted to, I wanted more than anything to believe him. Believe in him.
I told him before I would even meet him after two weeks apart that he couldn't come back if he had any feelings for the other woman or was still having any contact. No two ways about it. Not meeting for lunch not anything unless he was sure. Full on commitment or release.
Commit or release.
No grey areas.
He came back to me, full of love and promises of adventure and good times. God how he loved me. In the way he told me and showed me. There were moments of pure idyllic love, When I forgot my age and I could have been a teenager again.
'I'm with you. I came back to be with you.' He would tell me. 'I am totally and utterly in love with you. You are my home and I don't need anything but us. You are my most favourite person in the world.'
Yup that'll do it. Happiness. Joy. A bubbling brook of contentment.
Then. Through various ways and means I found out.
I found out that when I said commit or release he had misheard me.
Because he hadn't quite finished it with her. Hadn't quite told her he was back with me and our family. Hadn't broken contact. Hadn't deleted, blocked or ignored her. Because, well, he didn't know how to...What the fuck?!!
So after World War Three happened in my house, witnessed and participated in by our two sons who also told him unequivocally that no he should not have had any contact with the other woman once he had decided to come back to us.
'But she's such good company' he said 'She won't leave me alone, she says she won't let go of me, she pursues me and I don't know how to stop.'
He was told to leave and left. Because the truth is it hurt just too much to look at a man that we loved so much who didn't understand the excruciating pain he was causing to the people who had loved him for so long.
And guess where he went.
Yup, straight round to hers.
The moment he walked through her front door there was never a way back. There was never a chance of him ever coming home to us. He tells me it was my fault for causing a scene. That there was no where else for him to go. And then he told me that she had always been in love with him (six months and counting) and he owed it to her. Twenty five years means nothing when you have that kind of thought process.
And Release, even if it means James Arthur is singing again.
Strength + Courage = FEARLESS