A letter for leaving you for someone else/ another love
I don’t know how to start this except by saying sorry, I don’t know how to question this except saying “Did I do the right thing” I’m in a destructible mind set of balancing the what if’s and the what not’s.
I wish I could speak to you again, but properly, as in allow you into my sheltered heart of the beating sorrow of feeling guilty and how I wish I never met you. How I was beating myself to death by beating up the fact that I was in love with someone else, and you were another love I couldn’t face.
I was listening to Tom Odell song called “Another Love” I first heard it on the radio, I remember my eyes swelled when I realized how I tired I was, how tired I was of taking care of you whilst trying to take care of myself in those reckless nights of crying and wishing you understood that I did love you, but I didn’t know if I loved you enough to know that this would work.
I met him at a bar, 21 year old sitting opposite, drinking his beer, talking to his friends, promising “Yes we will meet up” as his last day begins with a new chapter and soulless pouts and upsets as he hugged and rubbed against people. And there he was, sitting in front of me, staring at me with his blue eyes, heart racing, the tension between us, building up, friends pushing us saying and screaming “TALK” as he walks away, drifting into the night, biting his nails, staring at me head to toe, making smiles, but never the small talk and there I was 17 year old me, leaping, hoping that this was it, he is soon to be someone or something, he is soon to destruct or regenerate a missing bit of my life, and here I am passively screaming “SAVE ME” inside, hoping, wishing, you would come through the door and change my mind, or send me a text of “I love you baby” but nothing, because I didn’t receive anything as I slowly drifted away, you were out of my head. You were out of my heart. And he was on my mind; another love was on my mind… he was always on my mind. I’m sorry.
A story I never told you, a story I couldn’t tell you. As I sat in your bedroom ready to break things apart between us, I knew what I was doing was wrong, picking over someone who may have not been anything over someone who loved you from the depths of a broken heart, you were trying to sow up the fact that you saw this coming, you saw me break away from you before we did any breaking, you saw me text slow, dry, passive, you became concerned, worried, I made you cry and panic, and I hid a secret, falling in love with someone in my head knowing that they are better than your current partner, is worse than getting cheated on, because it made you realize you were never enough. You were never ever enough and someone did better.
You are a beautiful human being, it was able for you to feel everything because that’s okay, but here is my letter to you. I am sorry, I am really sorry for everything, you did really try for me, and I wasn’t exactly the best person to show my heart in the best possible way, but I will always remember the times you saved me, one or to many times were you held me at my worst demotic motions and wrapped your strong arms around me and patted my head and told me it will be okay. As I had sex with you and remembered how much I loved you, because your body was this temple of “I could love you forever” and how you made promises to me that if we didn’t last one day it will come back. And I was forgetful of the worse possible outcome, because you were there, next to me, holding me bitterly and I loved you in that moment. That moment…
I was never enough for you, I felt I wasn’t exactly your type, and I was okay with that, but you were this beautiful boy with aspirations and dreams, hopes of becoming a husband and a father with wonderful kids, and pugs, living in a city with love and filled with joy and you were so ready for this world, whilst I was sitting by your side holding onto your dreams and aspirations, pushing you to the core of achieving the best, and loving you because you fucking deserved it. But I wasn’t, I was still in this world of trail and error, you ended up being the error.
What did you see in him that you couldn’t see in me?